How do I begin to put my deepest thoughts and concerns into words here that someone may stumble upon? These are not the sort of things that a proper lady of my upbringing would declare outwardly to society. But with all that has happened, I find myself more entangled in this web of non-conformity. My brothers, for all the well-meaning intentions would blame my dear friend Maggie for these changes but, I declare that these things are all a product of my own mind, my own conviction and my own curiosity. Perhaps, in my own way, this is how I can protect Maggie from ridicule should something happen to me in the midst of this journey. And I fear that, this time, something may just go too far on this particular adventure.

I am back at home after a rather turbulent couple of days. I admit that I did not expect this to be so dangerous so quickly and I am still very shaken by these events. The loss of Phineas Barnes has, I fear, sealed my own fate in the midst of the legacy that Dr. Greeves left behind. I will be purchasing the estate and will, quite likely, take up residence there for some time each week in order to facilitate further research and even teaching to support the adventure ahead of us.

These events have given me pause for another matter. I know that there will be resistance on the part of my father and my brothers especially if I were to admit these feelings openly. There have always been expectations that I would eventually marry well and be the conformist of the family. And were it not for the strength of my feelings for one man, I would be content to do as they expect. However my feelings for Mr. Kontar Fynn have only become more fervent and deep since his hand in saving me from the Kernunos beneath Lake Huron. Without his quick reaction and keen sense of mechanics, none of us would have made it back from the depths of the lake.

I am surprised by everything that happened but most by the actions of Fynn on the airship back to Detroit. We went for a stroll on the decks away from Maggie, who was busy talking with a new found friend. Talking with him was easy for me. I’ve known him for many years and I have a difficult time seeing him any differently than I do my brothers of my father in terms of his accomplishments. He is very accomplished regardless of his background. He will soon be a Doctor.

Look at me going on and on to defend him, even before I make the declaration to say that I believe I am falling in love with him. And why shouldn’t I? Yes, he was a slave, but he is no longer bound to that social status (stigma). Was there not a war fought within this country for the rights of men like Fynn? It is for shame that we should give men freedom to pursue a means of living for themselves and not give them the same respect just because of the color of their skin.

However, Fynn is no less a man than my brothers or my father. He has acted honorably in all things for as long as I have been privileged to know him. And on the decks of the airship Dauntless, I believe that we both came to realize just how our friendship has turned into something more.

I am not naïve. I know that to profess my feelings for Fynn would be the undoing of my father and my brothers. They would have me betrothed to some politician or lawyer by now, to be sure. However, I could not enter into such and agreement with even half the heart that I would with Fynn. I know that Fynn is not who they would choose for me. Yet, if given the opportunity, he is whom I would choose for myself.

I confess that there is a slight bit of hope that when he obtains his medical degree my family would see him as a more worthy suitor. Now, more than ever, it seems that day is so long off. Now that I have the knowledge of his own passion for me, it is going to be difficult to do much beyond think of what could be. His kiss was something that I shouldn’t want for but, I do now that I know how passionate he can be.

I have said nothing of our kiss to Maggie. Does that make me a bad friend? It occurs to me that she may not approve of our match either. Sometime I wish that I could be as carefree as she is. Then I would not care who thought what of my being with Fynn. But, as it were, I am not my dearest friend. I can only hope that during this gala, I can find a few stolen moments with him. It will likely be one of the few times I shall see him in the coming months and my father and brothers are not likely to think much of me having a dance or two with one of our guests.

It is good that following the gala, I will be much too busy with the Martius Catalyst to concern myself with such notions. Though I know that he will be in my thoughts frequently, I can lose myself in the studies at hand. That distraction will be most welcome.